A Change is Needed

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Journey of Self Love

This is a picture of me leaving my son’s wedding on October 21, 2017. Why can’t I see this image in my mirror? A Change is Needed ……

I have been consistently irritated and depressed for about a year. The irritations and frustration escalated when I became unemployed 05-26-2017.  The issue is not that I am unemployed, it is that once again I am feeling unworthy. No one told me I was unworthy. I have told myself that because I didn’t fit the seat …..  I have been feeling the seat was more important than I was. THE SEAT IS NOT ….. I AM …… I am worth all that I can put into my self-care and my happiness.

I am planning a journey of love of self.  I deserve it.

Limbo … I have been here before.

I have been in limbo for a while. Living day to day without much more than breathing.

I lost my job in May, my Mother has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s for about 6 or 7 years and in the past year, she is not recognizing her children. I try to see her every month, but I live in Texas and she is in a facility close to my Brother and his Wife in Mississippi.

I have recently had a wonderful weekend with my children and other family members when My Son married his sweet lady. There is more, but I Leave that for another post.

To summarize I need work, but I am not sure I want to stay in Accounting. I feel dread when I think of working as an Accountant. I am at a loss … Accounting is my degree, how can I feel this way?

My husband is getting ready to retire in January, so this adds a bit of stress also. We are at THAT age. Because of events out of our control we are not as comfortable as we would like to be. I still have about 10 years before I retire, we should be good by then.

Thoughts from the past

08/29/2009 – Hillsboro, TN

Comfort and hospitality …. chores and lessons …. aunts, uncles, cousins, brothers, sisters and lots of love. Singing and being silly. Laughing and tears. I had a wonderful childhood …. if only I could have shared this with my own children. My children had their own lives and experiences, but the memories are getting lost in my card catalog of a brain.

I remember seeing pictures of before me. What handsome people lived there. The ladies were elegant and had a soft happiness shining all around them. The men were staunch and mischievous all wrapped up in muscles and suits. When I was younger, I wondered if the people always looked that way; all dressed up.

Their eyes always smiled even though they held a tight lip for the photos. Their eyes told it all. I see me there and I see them when I glance in a mirror.