Limbo … I have been here before.

I have been in limbo for a while. Living day to day without much more than breathing.

I lost my job in May, my Mother has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s for about 6 or 7 years and in the past year, she is not recognizing her children. I try to see her every month, but I live in Texas and she is in a facility close to my Brother and his Wife in Mississippi.

I have recently had a wonderful weekend with my children and other family members when My Son married his sweet lady. There is more, but I Leave that for another post.

To summarize I need work, but I am not sure I want to stay in Accounting. I feel dread when I think of working as an Accountant. I am at a loss … Accounting is my degree, how can I feel this way?

My husband is getting ready to retire in January, so this adds a bit of stress also. We are at THAT age. Because of events out of our control we are not as comfortable as we would like to be. I still have about 10 years before I retire, we should be good by then.

I am Having a Pity Party…

I am tired today. More tired that I have been in a long time. I am going to have to get drastic on the weight loss. I am trying to plan my attack. I want to be safe with the plan, but I am getting to a point of needing to be drastic.

———————-

My Mantra for today is …. I walk with Determination and Confidence…..

———————-

I am listening to Alex, Bonnie and Ryeleigh (sp) ….. brought back so many memories….. good , bad, funny and sad. I was so stressed when my kids were younger that the moments I thought I was enjoying made me sad and I sometimes think my kiddos felt that. I sometimes feel like I am an impostor in my own skin.

———————-

I really need to come to terms with the fact that I cannot go back …… I have to move forward. For years I thought I had accomplished the feat of looking forward and not dwelling on the past, but now I realize that I am just keeping items in the filing drawer closest to my self esteem and it weighs heavy there.

———————–

I am angry and I am sad and I need to move on to my happy place, but it keeps moving and taking on an alias.

End of year Thoughts

I am trying to put some people on my birthday Calendar. Apparently it is not as easy as I feel it should be.

This year has had many ups and downs. Thank the powers that be; more up than down. I have tried to keep a positive attitude and keep my moods from swinging too much, but my physical problems have contributed to my irritable times. I hurt most days and while I know some of it is my weight and other ailments; some I am going to have to “bite the bullet” and go see specialists. First will be someone to take a look at my left ankle. It is ouchie most of the time.

I want to be the positive person I used to be, but I am miserable. I am so in awe of my cousin Judy. She has been through battles and keeps on moving through with a smile and a hug if ya get close enough. What a warrior! She is truly a sweet soul.

I have had a wonderful year at work! Preferred Technologies, Inc is a saving grace for me. I am honored to be working for this company!

As I sit here I am staring down an unopened package containing a lovely looking piece of Divinity. It is staring back….. daring me to open the package….. daring me to take just a taste….. just one sweet coma inducing taste. I declare! I win! It goes back to the conference table!

I am back….. yes I took it back to the table…… it took every fiber of control not to fling it from me….. but I prevailed ….. this Battle is mine!

I digressed into my desire of a sweet confection. I am on track again…..

My days of need are still with me. I, at times, feel overwhelmed and without merit. Then I remember that I am good at what I do and I am worthy of being. So goes the battles …. mental and physical. I will win the War, but for today I look forward to conquering the doubts.

See ya next year!