Limbo … I have been here before.

I have been in limbo for a while. Living day to day without much more than breathing.

I lost my job in May, my Mother has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s for about 6 or 7 years and in the past year, she is not recognizing her children. I try to see her every month, but I live in Texas and she is in a facility close to my Brother and his Wife in Mississippi.

I have recently had a wonderful weekend with my children and other family members when My Son married his sweet lady. There is more, but I Leave that for another post.

To summarize I need work, but I am not sure I want to stay in Accounting. I feel dread when I think of working as an Accountant. I am at a loss … Accounting is my degree, how can I feel this way?

My husband is getting ready to retire in January, so this adds a bit of stress also. We are at THAT age. Because of events out of our control we are not as comfortable as we would like to be. I still have about 10 years before I retire, we should be good by then.

Thoughts from the past

08/29/2009 – Hillsboro, TN

Comfort and hospitality …. chores and lessons …. aunts, uncles, cousins, brothers, sisters and lots of love. Singing and being silly. Laughing and tears. I had a wonderful childhood …. if only I could have shared this with my own children. My children had their own lives and experiences, but the memories are getting lost in my card catalog of a brain.

I remember seeing pictures of before me. What handsome people lived there. The ladies were elegant and had a soft happiness shining all around them. The men were staunch and mischievous all wrapped up in muscles and suits. When I was younger, I wondered if the people always looked that way; all dressed up.

Their eyes always smiled even though they held a tight lip for the photos. Their eyes told it all. I see me there and I see them when I glance in a mirror.

Clearing my Mind

From Cleveland, TX (Houston Area)

I am still pulling up floors and getting rid of “stuff”. I did not have content damage that I am aware of. I am going through my “things” to send to Goodwill. I have to minimize my “thing” inventory. Bill and I are trying to alieve ourselves of unnecessary items. At this point in my life, I am only keeping special mementos and pictures.

Emotionally I have things that I have kept with me for over 40 years. Moving them with me and packing them away for “later”. Later has not happened. It is time for them to give memories to someone else.

I am almost in tears writing this. That fact indicates to me that I have transferred my personal significance to “things” and need to let go so I can allow myself to live as me and not as family “things” or my collected “things”.

I live in the Houston Area, but my thoughts and prayers are with the people in the path of  IRMA.

Have a good day and Sweet Dreams tonight as you slumber.

Today I Begin

Tags

Me

Today is a new beginning. I am learning how to support myself and be kind to myself in the process.

Life is good at this point and I am happy. Today is an uplifting day and it is a Friday to boot!

Onward to a new beginning with a strategy change for a day-to-day life.

I am Having a Pity Party…

I am tired today. More tired that I have been in a long time. I am going to have to get drastic on the weight loss. I am trying to plan my attack. I want to be safe with the plan, but I am getting to a point of needing to be drastic.

———————-

My Mantra for today is …. I walk with Determination and Confidence…..

———————-

I am listening to Alex, Bonnie and Ryeleigh (sp) ….. brought back so many memories….. good , bad, funny and sad. I was so stressed when my kids were younger that the moments I thought I was enjoying made me sad and I sometimes think my kiddos felt that. I sometimes feel like I am an impostor in my own skin.

———————-

I really need to come to terms with the fact that I cannot go back …… I have to move forward. For years I thought I had accomplished the feat of looking forward and not dwelling on the past, but now I realize that I am just keeping items in the filing drawer closest to my self esteem and it weighs heavy there.

———————–

I am angry and I am sad and I need to move on to my happy place, but it keeps moving and taking on an alias.

A Good Day!

My mind is again getting on track and I am feeling great! Bill and I are buying a house and I am in heaven.  There are a few glitches, but those are soon to be corrected. I will finally have my forever house with my Knight!

---

My Mantra for the Day is:           “It is what it is.”

---

I cannot change how people act, but I can control how I react. I am calm at this point in my day and I will endeavor to remain calm. ONWARD!!!!!!

A trying day

Monday ….  Yes it was Monday all day. I am not sure where that saying came from, but it just sounds … Like …. A day worth forgetting.

The beginning of the week should bring hope and promise. Today was gloomy, raining, and so irritating.

So, I HOPE Tuesday is a better start.

Learning about Me

My days of need are still with me. I, at times, feel overwhelmed and without merit. Then I remember that  I am good at what I do and I am worthy of being.  So goes the battles …. mental and physical. I will win the War, but for today I look forward to conquering the doubts…….

This is a statement I made 2 months ago. Why is that important? It is important because I am still fighting the same demons. The same feelings are overwhelming me on a daily basis and I am beginning to wonder if I am making my own drama. Am I willing the angst? Am I willing the discord I am putting myself through?

I am having a hard time with my focus and energy. I seem to be in another space on a regular basis. I am angry that I am a virtual invalid or so I feel like. I am not a good patient. I do not like taking meds. I do not like one day being able to walk and the next day not. SOMETHING HAS TO GIVE TO THE POSITIVE SIDE!!!!!!

End of year Thoughts

I am trying to put some people on my birthday Calendar. Apparently it is not as easy as I feel it should be.

This year has had many ups and downs. Thank the powers that be; more up than down. I have tried to keep a positive attitude and keep my moods from swinging too much, but my physical problems have contributed to my irritable times. I hurt most days and while I know some of it is my weight and other ailments; some I am going to have to “bite the bullet” and go see specialists. First will be someone to take a look at my left ankle. It is ouchie most of the time.

I want to be the positive person I used to be, but I am miserable. I am so in awe of my cousin Judy. She has been through battles and keeps on moving through with a smile and a hug if ya get close enough. What a warrior! She is truly a sweet soul.

I have had a wonderful year at work! Preferred Technologies, Inc is a saving grace for me. I am honored to be working for this company!

As I sit here I am staring down an unopened package containing a lovely looking piece of Divinity. It is staring back….. daring me to open the package….. daring me to take just a taste….. just one sweet coma inducing taste. I declare! I win! It goes back to the conference table!

I am back….. yes I took it back to the table…… it took every fiber of control not to fling it from me….. but I prevailed ….. this Battle is mine!

I digressed into my desire of a sweet confection. I am on track again…..

My days of need are still with me. I, at times, feel overwhelmed and without merit. Then I remember that I am good at what I do and I am worthy of being. So goes the battles …. mental and physical. I will win the War, but for today I look forward to conquering the doubts.

See ya next year!